I'm Leavin It All, Back In ...

A year and 4 days ago my world completely changed.  I became a new person and made a decision to let go of somethings in my life.  I have realized even a year later that there are things that aren't so easy to let go of.  Some of these things include anger, hatred, and bitterness.  You see I know I am a much better person by choosing to let go and I am happy and doing wonderful things with my life.  I've realized I only let go with my mind though.  I let go of things that happened but I never let go of the pain and instead I stuffed it causing bitterness.  So today as new beginnings are being made I am going to make my own fresh start.  Today I accept the fact that some things will never change, some apologies are never received, some things can't be controlled, and I don't always get what I want.  I, Ariel Edsall, let go with my heart and mind.

"I’m leavin all the things you did
The I love yous, you never said
Lookin' back I wont have much to miss
Like all those empty promises
And all those lies that you fed me
That left this bitter taste here on my lips
I’m leavin it all, back in ..."
- Bomshel

This Past Decade

Today, well technically yesterday by like an hour, I turned 20.  I have 2 decades under my belt and that is mind blowing. Today I found a picture of me from my 10th birthday and I almost got emotional just thinking about all the things I've done and said and experienced and accomplished and felt and seen in the last 10 years and how I look pretty much the same on the outside but so much has changed on the inside both good and bad.  I've decided the picture is necessary to share so here it is.

It's me, just mini sized.  This is honestly my favorite picture of me from my whole life and I can't help but compare it to my 20 year old self.  I see so many differences between me now and then.  There is a youthfulness and innocence in my eyes in this picture and I feel like I've lost a little bit of that.  There have been bodily changes.  There are highchairs in the background that have since been replaced with additional adult chairs around the table.  There's a different house in which to celebrate birthday number 20 from number 10.  There are many more candles this year.  There is worry on my face at times these days.  There are so many more responsibilities now.  There are so many more experiences and stories to tell now that I've had 10 more years to live. 

Despite the differences, I've recognized many similarities that me and my 10 year old self share.  There's a joy in my eyes and a contagious smile.  There is an absolute love of life.  There are insecurities that keep me humble.  There are big green eyes that see everything.  There's a birthmark on my face that my whole life has been mistaken for chocolate or a tear drop tattoo or even a drop of blood that I love none the less.  There's a desire to be loved.  There are habits patterned to this very day.  There is a love of chocolate.  There's a family who loves me so much.

It's me. It is all me, and I pray I am blessed with another day to live this beautiful life.



What if Cosmo is Right?

Conviction: "The state of being convicted."

Convict: "To impress with a sense of guilt."

(thanks dictionary.com)

It's that moment where your heart drops a little bit and you feel a need to hang your head a little lower. In that moment one feels true conviction.  Whether it be something you said, did, or thought conviction is always the same.  But what happens when you get numb from the feeling of true conviction?  I mean you still feel bad kind of but there is no inner pain so to speak for your actions.  Is it just temporary?  A delayed reaction maybe?  One day in a month when you are driving down the road will you get hit with such sense of conviction that you're overwhelmed with emotion and tears?  Is it normal?  Just because Cosmo says it's ok does it really make it ok?  Does this make you a "bad person"?  What is a "bad person"?

What if it's what you need for the time being?  What if no one knows?  What if it helps you through the day and puts a little extra sway in your hips?  What if something so terribly wrong is in fact right?

I guess that is for you and I to figure out on our own.

I Know That I've Got Issues, But You're Pretty Messed Up Too.

Ok, it is time to write again.

This past month has had both incredible triumphs and incredible defeats.  Well to be completely honest it was mostly defeats.  It was one of those months where your life goes spinning out of control and you wind up in your moms arms bawling because you hate everything.

Now that you are probably beyond depressed from reading my sob story I am going to explain myself.  This past month I learned quite a lot about myself.  Top three being:

1. I absolutely suck at dealing with emotional stress.
2. I am horrible at guarding my heart.
3. I fall for all the wrong guys.

Through my hell month I was also seemingly constantly bombarded with judgement about my issues and problems from people who really didn't have a place to judge me.  Whether it be an ex, a "friend", or a father.  If you want to get biblical here (which I do) there are a whole slew of verses pertaining to judgement.
(this is about to get fantastic.)
1. First up John 8:7

"When they kept on questioning him,

he straightened up and said to them,

“Let any one of you who is without sin

be the first to throw a stone at her.”

(the words of Jesus)

This was Jesus' response when "The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery" (John 8:3a) and then proceeded to ask if they could stone her to death. Ok people she was CAUGHT IN ADULTERY standing in front of the Lord most likely BUTT NAKED and Jesus says to the teachers of the law and Pharisees (yes this is my paraphrasing) "I see your sins just the same as her sins and you are no better than she so therefore if you have no sins you can stone her to death."

So let's recap here people who love to judge other people, you're just as sinful as those you judge.

2. Matthew 7:1-2, 5

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you...You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

First of all I must say I absolutely love this verse.  I know I am not perfect and this post may be somewhat hypocritical as I may come across as me judging people for judging me.  Please hear me out when I say that isn't my intention.  Anyways when I hear this verse I think of Kelly Clarkson when she says "I know that I've got issues but you're pretty messed up too."  I know some might say look at the lyrics in context with the song but I'm really not concerned with the whole song right now.  Just those lyrics are genius, simply genius. Looks to be time for another recap soooo...

Before you become so concerned with my sins and issues please take a look at yourself first.

3. Romans 2:1-3

"You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?"

LOVE THIS particularly where it says "So when you, a mere human being, pass judgement on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment."  This is oh so perfect because a vast majority of the people who were and are judging me for the poor choices I've made this past month are people who have done or are doing the very same things I did. Again let us recap...

Don't judge others for something you have done or are still doing.

I'm not perfect and I mess up BAD.  I guess what I am trying to say here is the choices I made this past month were not wise or good or healthy and I admit they are wrong and now it is up to me to deal with God.  Also if I someone tells me I am a bad person or calls me another nasty name anytime soon I will come unglued.